So, despite no-one caring about this blog, possibly including myself, I find myself writing. Don't know what that means yet, maybe if I keep writing I'll find out. Normally I do these braindumps into notepad and mousepad windows, depending on if I'm on Xubuntu or WinXP, so this is a bit of a change. May even use paragraphs this time, who knows. So I can't get the thoughts out of my head that make me want to detach from everyone and everything that I've ever did, met or touched, but I can't leave. I can't do that because... actually, I'm not sure why. I guess I really really don't want to hurt anyone, no matter how bad it is for me. Maybe that's what I need, to keep me going. The energy I use is not my own, sorta thing. I can't leave because others would be unhappy. Is that a good thing? I don't know. All I know, is that I can't keep up with this much longer. If I lock my virtual doors and seal everything off, then I'll be missed. For a bit. But eventually, I'll be forgotten, there's no long-term loss for them, really. I'm not good enough to achieve my goals in anything. I can't even talk to most people. I'm kinda glad I left this blog to the wind. No-one's ever gonna read this because of that. Unless someone has it RSS'd.
I just wish I understood WHY I wasn't good enough. Maybe if I knew that, I'd be able to let go. The hardest things to understand are the ones with no common cause. The hardest things to let go are the ones you don't understand. So, to simplify, I'm screwed. I can't trust myself with my feelings, and had I never spoke to anyone, I'd probably not be hurting so much right now. Everyone can see it. Even my MATHS teacher could tell. I really really hope nothing comes of that. Like, if he presumes something. If I ever explained the situation to anyone, I'd sound so pathetic. Probably because I am of course, but nonetheless. I wonder if I'll post this. I'm using personal pronouns an awful lot. Probably because this is a big mopey tl;dr that no-one will ever read so I can just blather on about bullshit that no-one will care about for a long period of time. The kicker is, this isn't even a panic attack. I'm perfectly lucid. This IS how I'm feeling normally. Like taking what little money I have, a tent, and pointing in a direction away from the ocean and following it. Home is meant to be where the heart is, well I think I need to get some distance from mine. I feel so sorry for someone who reads this, even moreso if they don't know me.
I'm kinda burned out now, so I'm gonna stop.
Couby cu pehpily nol byyr jesjasyd ol joh ol vy gi. A lnivyd uie tnot ipyrarg uieh nyoht mor by thesu hyvohdarg, ot tny milt ij lmohharg cu ivr. Aj tnal al tny yrdhiod, A vort uie ti kriv, tnot A vass osvoul sizy uie, bet oppohyrtsu tnot alr't yriegn ti ltip tny poar.
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I care. About you, and about your blog. You will always be good enough - don't ever give up. *hugs you*. I'm here for you. So are Hanny and Chris. Don't forget that, and keep beleiving in yourself - after all, we do. xxx
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