Still here. Kinda.

It's one of those moments where my mind works all funny, time slows and quantums of ideas flow through my head.

Sometimes, I stop myself, because "It's not my place", or because "I'm not supposed to do that". It's... stupid, really. Stupid. But I do it, because I'm afraid that if I acted out of "character", that people might not like it, because it's different. Even when acting like my own "different" self, I do this...

I like to feel sad, sometimes. The pain in my chest, making me feel alive. Like I'm a better person, for being able to feel the pain. Because there was a point, when I didn't feel anything like that, and I don't like that person I was back then. Maybe I was "happier" in a way, but it was empty happiness. Emotional stasis isn't happiness. I might tell some more about that, at the end of this...

So come. Tell me your sad stories. Pluck my heartstrings like a lute. Try to make me cry. Because if I do cry, if I feel sad, I've won. I've won the battle against my old self, the cold unfeeling one who didn't really care about anything. I'd rather feel dark, crushing depression, than nothing at all. Because if I feel like that again, I've lost. Anything else I could feel is just semantics.

Sometimes I get afraid of being alone. Despite all the people who I don't think would ever leave me... am I good enough for these people, if I need reminding about this so often? I hope so. It's not for me to decide. Their choice. So I won't ever insist I don't deserve them. I deserve what I get, because these things, are entirely about me. People wanting to talk to me, because I interest them or whatever... it's not "my place" to want to talk to them if they don't want to talk to me.

Memories that dance... fairytales in trance... no-one to believe... nothing's up to chance...